30th May 2006 Tuesday

在一本小说里就读到了以下的一段话。完完全全地反映了我此刻的心情。。。

一直到后来我才明白，在生命中的许多时刻里，我们常会努力思索要怎么做才正确，或是要采取怎样的态度才不会给别人带来伤害，然而我们都忘了一件事：所谓的正确或者不正确，并不能靠自己单方面认定，同样的，厌恶啊喜欢那些情绪也必须在有两个人以上的互动之下才能产生反应，所以很多事情，自己在那里钻牛角尖地反复思索是没有用的，你不知道别人的想法，也就无从判定，到底什么才是对双方都好的作法。

~<<红茶豆浆>>---Singingwind~

於是我们只能一直地伤害对方，也一直地受伤。。。

28th May 2006 Sunday

今天终於了解为什么人们肯花钱买一套连续剧。因为买的并不只是一堆光碟而已。其实人们真正花钱买的是一个感动。一个由衷的感动。今天薄荷绿茶真的被感动了。。。

虽然真正的情感是不可以用金钱来取代的，但现实的社会中已不知曾几何时学会了模拟情感了。如果有一天，所有的情感都可以成功的被模拟，是不是代表了真正的感情也不再珍贵？是不是代表了真假已难以分辨？是不是代表了缺乏的情感都可以被怖上？还是代表了世界将永远都没有了心伤？

27th May 2006 Saturday

Was pondering upon what to blog when I read SK's blog. She was writing about the feeling of being lonely amidst a crowd, about acting stronger than you actually are, about being rational, about how we tend to bottle up our feelings. That sort of got me thinking. Is it the amount of people that we are around that determine how happening we are? Or rather, is the amount of people around us the factor that determines how many friends we have? Or how lonely we are? I guess not. Sometimes, it doesn't take a crowd to cast away the loneliness that you so feel in your inner self. Sometimes, one or two really close friends can do that. Have you wondered why at times, you give up the chance to party with a whole big group to settle down in a small, hot coffeeshop just talking rubbish to one or two friends? That is probably the reason.

And regarding acting stronger than we actually are, I guess everyone does that at some point or another. I guess the society is just morphed in such a way that we are expected to do what we are supposed to and not what we want or feel like doing. Just like what Morrie said in "Tuesdays with Morrie" - "how we feel lonely sometimes to the point of tears, but we don't let those tears come becaue we are not supposed to cry". I guess it has something to do with both our ego of letting those tears come as well as the need to maintain a strong image in this society. Well, I have always thought that you should really be only yourself and portray your true self in this world but sadly, I am also unable to fulfill what I believe in. We hesitate in doing and saying things even when we really feel them. We hesitate to make a choice even when deep in our hearts, we already know which is the right choice. We hesitate to move because we don't know what lies ahead of the road. Have you ever felt this way? If so, then probably you, like me are but human...

Shall just end with yet another quote from Tuesdays with Morrie. Hope it gives you some inspiration in a way or another......

"'But everyone knows someone who has died, I said. Why is it so hard to think about dying?' 'Because,' Morrie continued, 'Most of us all walk around as if we're sleepwalking. We don't experience the world fully, because we're half-asleep, doing things we automatically think we have to do.'"

27th May 2006 Saturday

Adapted this poem from my sis's blog because I kinda like it too. Especially when it has to do with the rain which I love so much, even after it drenched me thoroughly on my way home from camp yesterday......

RAIN AND TEARS
By: Serenity Takaishi (May 15 & 19, 2006)

When you look out the window,
I hope you know...
That every drop of rain represents
How much I love you.

Cuz with every drop of rain,
I shed a tear for you,
And with every tear I shed,
I'm saying I love you.

I hope you understand,
That with every night I cry myself to sleep,
I really want to let you know...
That the rain's falling for you.

But...
I know you don't know,
I know you don't think so,
But I can't let go!

I've cried too much to say farewell,
I've suffered too much to give up now,
I've lost what I love too many times...
Now you're the only one in my life.

So tears fall down my cheeks,
And they hit the ground,
But no one can tell,
Because the rain has fell...

And it rained so so so heavily yesterday......

26th May 2006 Friday

不可能其实也是一种可能
不相信其实也是一种相信
不执着其实也是一种执着

你明白了吗？

23rd May 2006 Tuesday

Went for the GIC interview today. Wasn't in too much of a mood to take the interview, not to mention that I am competing against graduates who are working in banks. Anyway, I didn't think I did too well in the interview so probably that is the end of the troubles. Wasn't too keen on this job either. They took too long to get back to me. Anyway, not such a good week for me this week, not because of the interview. Just not a real good week..... ="(

21st May 2006 Sunday

昨天终於下定了决定，买了<<天外飞仙>>这部连续剧来看。其实在还没考完试之前就已经有此打算，但却犹豫了这么久。或许这就是我吧。总是对於事情扭扭捏捏，在原地盘旋很久很久。或许是想太多了吧。昨天还是因为一时任性才买了那部连续剧。昨天和今天看了好几集。只能说林依晨饰演的小七实在是太太太可爱了。真的好可爱。也如同我一位朋友所说的吧，故事很有教育性。

爱是不需要理解的。爱是靠感觉的。因为就算说不爱，这个动作也不会改变爱的本身。原来可以爱到不爱的地步。你了解了吗？

19th May 2006 Friday

Went back to serve the remaining of my National Service. The Battalion changed a lot since I left. Most of the building was renovated. Suffice to say that I would have lost my way if you had told me to go and look for a certain room over at the newly renovated building. Anyway, me got attached to the Chief Clerk so guess I will be doing those so called "mini projects". Anyway, the first day was super boring and I was practically staring at the clock, willing it to go faster. But as always, whenever you are staring at the clock, it seems to slow down. Was ordered to stay in which I found was rather stupid as I have slightly more than three weeks of service only. Well, but I was already kind of mentally prepared for it so I guess it didn't come too much as a surprise. My new working mates aren't really too friendly. I guess when you are in the army, you just lose your zest to want to be really friendly and make new friends with new people. But who cares? As I said, it is only slightly more than three weeks for me to endure. Anyway, saw a perculiar sight in the camp today. There was a little tree over there that is collecting dust and it is named "Wishing Tree". You are supposed to write your wish on a card and hang it on the tree. The gesture is supposed to make the wish come true. I think the concept is kind of unique but here comes the perculiar thing - there wasn't a single card on the tree. I guess army personnel don't really harbour too many wishes do they? Or maybe they couldn't be bothered to write it down. Yawn.

Booking in again on Monday morning and taking leave on Tuesday for the GIC interview. They called me up to come down for an interview when I have almost forgotten that I applied for their management associate program. Since it is just a group interview, I think I will just go there and listen and if I feel like talking then I chip in a little. Hate these group interviews. I can already foresee everyone vying for a chance to speak. That is so fake. I will not be like them. I will only talk when I feel like it. I know this will likely cause me to flunk the interview but then, to be frank, I only applied because I was overly tempted by the pay. And since I already had the job offer from Deloitte which I am rather more akin to joining because of the people that I knew during my attachment, I guess I got nothing to lose even if I lose the GIC job. So I guess I will just take a step at a time.

你走了。我却还留在原地。原来故事结束之后，心也要学会习惯着原来的寂寞。。。

18th May 2006 Thursday

I hate it when I am mean to my friends when I do not want to.
I hate it when even I find myself irritating.
I hate it when I blurt out things that I soon regret blurting out.
I hate it when others have more faith in me than I have in myself.
I hate it when I am grouchy over something that I know is simply not worth it.
I hate it when I cry when I know I shouldn't.
I hate it when I am no longer in control of my emotions.
When you are the one in control......

"I thought how often this (the need to let the emotions come in and henceforth learn to detach from them) was needed in everyday life. How we feel lonely, sometimes to the point of tears. But we don't let those tears come because we are not supposed to cry. Or how we feel a surge of love for a partner but we don't say anything because we are frozen with the fear of what those words might do to the relationship."

~Tuesdays with Morrie~

16th May 2006 Tuesday

Another quote from Tuesdays with Morrie:

Life is a series of pull backs and forth. You want to do one thing. But you are bound to do something else. Something hurts you. Yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted.

Admit it or not, someway or another, you are in the pull backs and forth of life. And there is always a discrepancy between what the world should be and what it really is. That makes me sad. Really sad. But I guess that is the way it works. By the way, I liked the last line especially. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted. Have we ever bothered to give thanks for things that we have? I guess not. Most of the time, we are probably more busy with being sad over things that we don't have. We'd probably only realize how much we have got when we lose them all.

Giving should be done without the expectation of getting something back in return. Giving should be done with a heart to want to give and not with expectations. This is the only way that you can find joy in giving......

15th May 2006 Monday

Just finished reading a story that JY sent me. She said that I would love the story somehow. I wasn't really sure about that but after reading that I had to admit that the story did touched me somehow. The story is really long so I don't think I am able to publish it here but I would leave a link at the bottom of this post for those of you who are really interested. I am sure it will give you some insights into life and I am also really sure it will touch your heart somehow so long as you bothered to spend some time to read it. I really liked a couple of parts in the story and many of them have somehow given me some insight into life and I think I would be blogging about these in my blog for the next few days to come. I can't really explain in words what I have learnt from some of them but I would just blog it down and leave you all to decipher it for yourself. Isn't that how you learn? Okie. So here is for the first part that I really liked:

On this day, Morrie says he has an exercise for us to try. We are to stand, facing away from our classmates, and fall backward, relying on another student tocatch us. Most of us are uncomfortable with this, and we cannot let go for more than a few inches before stopping ourselves. We laughed in embarrassment.Finally, one student, a thin, quiet, dark-haired girl whom I notice almost always wears bulky white fisherman sweaters, crosses her arms over her chest, closes her eyes, leans back, and does not flinch, like one of those Lipton teacommercials where the model splashes into the pool. For a moment, I am sure she is going to thump on the floor. At the last instant, her assigned partner grabs her head and shoulders and yanks her up harshly. "Whoa!" several students yell. Some clap. Morrie finally smiled. "You see," he says to the girl, "you closed your eyes". That was the difference. Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them too - even when you're in the dark. Even when you're falling.

Would you trust me to pick you up when you are in the dark? When you are falling? Because some things can't be seen. They have to be felt. And you feel not with your eyes, but with your heart......

Tuesdays with Morrie

15th May 2006 Monday

Was looking at Avarian's blog and read about the boxes that he used to put all those stuff from Primary School till now. That reminded me about the little bag that I have to put all those notes and cards from others and I realized that some of them dated back to Primary School too. Looking back, they brought back loads of memories, each card reminding me of where I was at various points in life's journey. Some of them brought back a tinge of sadness too as I recall how those friendship ties grew weak over the years. It always saddens me when I meet up with long lost friends and realized how much we have grown apart over the years. How we could have talked about anything under the sun those days and have nothing much in common to talk about now. Admit it or not, that is going to happen to the friends that we have made and will make in the future. There are not going to be more than a couple, if any, that you are able to maintain your strong friendship with.

Will that happen to me and you too?

14th May 2006 Sunday

Met up with Cathayan, ZH and Avarian yesterday for dinner. Wanted to meet earlier so that HL could join but Avarian couldn't meet earlier because he was busy being a shuttle driver. Anyway, I met up with Cathayan earlier and shopped around in Raffles City. I didn't buy anything but Cathayan managed to get a birthday present for his friend. Raffles City is really boring. We were so bored even before the time was up to meet up with the rest. Anyway, after we met up with the rest and after much deliberation, we decided to have our dinner at the curry flavor house again as everywhere in Suntec was packed to the brim with people. Gosh. I guess it must have been the effects of Mother's Day. Anyway, Avarian only arrived after we ordered our dishes. Nothing extraordinary about the dishes there except that the waiter mixed up ZH orders. Wonder why is it always when I am around that the waiter tend to mix up my friend's orders. That time it was I whose dish got sent to the wrong table, now it is ZH who got sent the wrong dish. Anyway, took some photos over there. I seldom take photos but I think sometimes I just have to oblige. Didn't take much though. I guess I was in only two group photos.

Went to the Baker's Inn to have some dessert after that. Avarian and ZH had something sinful whereas me and Cathayan settled for some tea. There was no place in my stomach for those cakes whereas I reckon that there mustn't be much space in Cathayan's stomach either. Anyway, I ordered Lavender tea which is supposed to soothe anxiety while Cathayan ordered peppermint tea which is supposed to clear his nostrils or something. I wanted to order peppermint tea as I have always loved it but I am still suffering from the aftermath of the peppermint green tea that I had at Party World taht tasted so much like cough syrup so I settled for the Lavender instead. Anyway, the Lavender tea doesn't taste really good but I guess it did achieve the so called soothing effects. We went to chill out by the river beside Esplanade after that and ended up talking mostly rubbish. Actually I didn't want to go home that early as no one would be home but ZH had to leave early to pack his stuff for his one month Europe trip (*Envious*) so we left shortly after that. Home sweet boring home. But well, at least I have the whole room to myself yet again for the night so I guess I shall not complain further. =)

Happy Mothers' Day to all~

11th May 2006 Thursday

岁月难得沉默秋风厌倦漂泊
夕阳赖着不走挂在墙头舍不得我
昔日伊人耳边话已和潮声向东流
再回首往事也随枫叶一片片落
爱已走到尽头恨也放弃承诺
命运自认幽默想法太多由不得我
壮志凌云几分愁知己难逢几人留
再回首却闻笑传醉梦中
笑谈词穷古痴今狂终成空
刀钝刃乏恩断义绝梦方破
路荒遗叹饱览足迹没认懂
多年望眼欲穿过红滚滚我没看透
词嘲墨尽千情万怨英杰愁
曲终人散发花鬓白红颜殁
烛残未觉与日争辉徒消瘦
当泪干血隐狂涌白雪纷飞都成空

~<<逍遥叹>>---胡歌~

逍遥叹息人间事。欲忘身在人间世。

10th May 2006 Wednesday

Just had the last paper of my University days today. Well, at least I hope it is the last paper as an undergraduate. The feeling of finishing the last paper is kind of mixed. I thought that I would be happy but I felt more lost than happy. I guess HL's theory of a sudden loss in destination kind of makes sense. I guess when we have reached the destination that we have always been walking towards, there is a sudden loss of what else to do next. I guess this is but a feeling of embarking on a new phase of our life. Wait. I am getting too philosophical. But I do make sense don't you think?

Anyway, been wondering what to do now that exams is over. During the exams, there seemed to be so much that I wanted to do after the exams but as with every other time, after the exams, I don't really make these things manifest. Not to mention that I have yet to get company for some of the things that I so want to do. I guess no one is as weird as me to want to do some of the activities that I blogged down a week ago. In addition, friends are going overseas all too soon and Mum is going for cruise yet again this Friday. This time she is bringing sis along with her. I am going to be so left alone for the weekend again. Although there is the consolation of being able to catch the last episode the the 9pm show on Channel U on Sat, I can't really find much reason to be too happy over it. Not to mention that I am still kind of worried over a friend who is still in depression. Maybe I think too much. And sometimes thinking too much either makes me irritable when I feel helpless to the situation or being irritating by being too much of a pest. I hate that kind of a me. But I guess I can't really do much about it can I? I think the only consolation that I am going to get for completing the exams is the big big gift that I promised I would get myself after I graduate. I so deserve it for being to hardworking for three years. Haha. At least I hope I am. This is what we call self rationalization I guess. Anyway, I am still deciding between the ipod Nano and the Zenn Micro. It is design versus functionality. Any advice from anyone. This gift is so going to be my second best friend, the first being my first and only computer that I have gotten myself at end of Year 1 of my University days. I guess the post about me loving machines more than man does make much sense afterall huh?

8th May 2006 Monday

Read a book which state that those who log onto the internet could actually be categorised into three categories. The first are those that try to be someone that they want to be online. The second are those that exhibit the other side of their personality online. The third are those who try to be someone that they will never ever become online. Guys who act as girls online and vice versa belongs to the third category. That book sort of got me thinking. Got me thinking about the internet. Does it really help us to exhibit who we really are? Or does it help to mask what we really are and what we really feel? Someone I feel more inclined with the latter view. If you are a frequent user of MSN or other chat programs, ask yourself - "When you type haha, did you really feel happy? Or do you even felt like laughing then?"; "When you expressed an emoticon, do you really feel as the emoticon portray?"; "When you type that you are alright, are you? Or are you really crying as you typed that?"; "Did you really mean what you typed? Or did you really feel the same way as you typed? Or is the internet but another mask in addition to that which you wear on your face? Has the internet become yet another disguise to conceal the heart?". You might argue that you do not use any chat related programs. But think again, what about those SMSes that you send and receive on your phone. Aren't those but another form of that on the internet. Well, maybe sometimes I think too much. Maybe......

I don't like myself. I really don't like myself......

6th May 2006 Saturday

最近听到这首歌。好喜欢所以与你们分享。喜欢抒情歌曲的朋友不妨去听听看。

走在异乡陌生的夜里
一个人淋着孤独的细雨
没有你的城市
这特别冷的冬季
抱着思念沉沉地睡去
隔天醒来第一件事情
就是好好想你
在心里写信给你
我曾经多么幸运
天天有你抱着你
轻轻说我爱你
静静听你轻柔呼吸
你我好近好近
多希望明天睡醒
身边有你
你就留在我的怀抱里
不曾离去是我作的梦而已

曾经是那么幸运
因为有你抱着你
轻轻说我爱你
静静听你轻柔呼吸
我们好近好近
多希望明天睡醒
身边有你
继续留在我的怀抱里
不曾离去是我作的梦而已
你没有离去是我作了梦而已

~<<起床>>---品冠~

有时候，不一定要很多花式的歌才会好听。有时候，简简单单，能打动人心的歌才是最令人难忘的。人生也如此吗？

6th May 2006 Saturday

今天早上搭地铁回家的时候又下起了雨。已经忘了有多久没搭这么早的地铁了。已经忘了那种搭着早晨的地铁，望着雨的心情了。心情有一点矛盾。矛盾因为好喜欢雨但早晨的雨总会带给自己好多好多的失落感。今天的失落感好重好重。不知道是因为雨还是因为伤心的你。看到朋友伤心的感觉真的很不好受。尤其当我什么忙也帮不上。开始觉得很无助。非常无助。也开始讨厌伤心这样东西。更讨厌让你红着眼眶的人或事。

钱可以过户。伤心可以吗？

5th May 2006 Friday

If there was anything that I was to be glad of yesterday, it would be signs that might indicate that the Great Depression is toning down~~~ =)

4th May 2006 Thursday

It must feel good to finish exams but that is not for me yet. That is for the other half of the Accountancy cohort as well as probably half of the rest of NTU or maybe more. How fast time flies and I am about to take the last papers of my University days in seven days time. Isn't it amazing how time so cruelly move forward even if we remained motionless on the same spot? Just read Sleep Kitty's blog and I so agree with her analogy about life after the exams, about it being a piece of blank paper from that point on, awaiting our decision on what to write upon it, where we want to end up eventually, and whether we will be happy when we reach the end. Some people will want to make it big, unleashing their full potential while they are young whereas others, like me, really only yearn for a simple life. That also reminds me of the so many difficult decisions that I have seen the people around me make about their life. I guess in the end, there just isn't the so called "right" or "wrong" path around it but rather, whether you will be happy with that decision. And to mention, I don't really think that there is anything called a stupid decision because in the end, you learn something more through every decision you make, whether it be about yourself, about your friends or about life. These are precious experiences that will take you well along your future journey on this road. Well, maybe I am thinking too much or maybe, as what Cathayan said, that is but a part of my personality which is both weird and unique. But I really do not think I am weird. I am but a simple guy, living in an imperfect world, trying to find everything that is still true remaining in this world and that includes each and everyone of my friend who is reading this now.

(PS: I really hope that you are feeling better by now. You really scare me with your message yesterday. Just wanted to say - Many a times, we feel that we are bogged down by burdens so heavy that we aren't able to bear, troubles so huge that we aren't able to resolve. But think about it, we have felt that before. We have run into similar situations in the past and we survived through it. Or rather, maybe such situations are put there to make us fall and with every fall, we learn to pick ourselves up and learn to be a stronger and better person. And this time, we will pick ourselves up again. I know it is really hard to see that when you are in the situation yourself and I guess I won't be wrong to say that it is really hard for words alone to make anyone feel better but I guess that is about all that I can do. Whenever, you are feeling alone, remember that you are never all alone on life's journey. Cheer up.)

3rd May 2006 Wednesday

It feels really bad to know that you aren't able to do anything when your friend is in a depression. I wish..... I hope.....I pray...... that you will cheer up soon k?

2nd May 2006 Tuesday

Just had the third last paper of my University days. At least I hope. The irritating Political Economics module was nothing short of expectation in the fact that it is more of copying than anything else. I wonder what the point of the exam was. I really wonder. And I guess they made a right choice in taking it out of the syllabus starting next semester. Too bad that I had to be the last batch to take it. Anyway, although I don't think I will do well for the paper, I don't think I will ever fail. No one has ever failed that module before and considering that the module will be zilched next semester, if I fail, I set precedence in the whole of NTU history. If that happens, someone please give me a big plaque with my name in caps and bolded k? Nah. Just kidding. No one tagged my after exams activities? No one wants to join? Or is everyone too busy preparing for exams? Or does anyone read my blog in the first place? Hello~~~~ Anyone here???? Haha. Just kidding. I am mad. I am self-entertaining. Looks like the blog post saying that I love machines more than men might be true after all......