30th June 2006 Friday

在<<小孩不笨2>>里就看到这么的一段话。觉得很有意思。就与你们分享吧。

记得在我们小的时候，我们经常都在鼓励和称赞下跌到了又站起来。当时有多幸福，自己都不知道。也不知道什么时候，称赞和鼓励我们的话，在我们长大后也慢慢的变了，门也慢慢关了。多鼓励人家，多称赞人家，多看人家的优点，真的那么难吗？其实，大人和小孩都需要获得人家的称赞。可是为什么我们在称赞别人的时候总是那么吝啬呢？

29th June 2006 Thursday

Been slacking my days away. Last chance to do it before starting work next week. And what happens after I start work? Where would my life steer after this? Realized that I have yet to do some serious thinking about such stuff. Where would I want to go? What would I want to achieve? Or more importantly, what do I really really want in life? Been taking a step at a time in life and have been jumping on the bandwagon for 23 years. It seemed that everything had been pre planned before now. After primary and secondary school, it seemed only right that I got to a decent Junior College, in anticipation of a University degree. And after Junior College, the government mandated that I joined the army for two and a half years. And then, University as planned and now convocation. And now that the so called planned route comes to an end, what happens? As I approach the end of the concrete path, I wonder where do I go next? But wondering gets me nowhere and as it always end, I end up taking a step at a time. And that is precisely what I call wandering about aimlessly in life. And time goes on, whether you have an aim or not. And I do not want to end this life without even knowing what I have been doing with my life. And I do not want to discover what I really want in life at the end of life, when there is no longer time to achieve what I want. I do not want all these. But what could I do? What could I do when I don't know what I want? Or perhaps, deep within myself, I already know what I want? Or maybe there isn't anything that I wanted that I am able to achieve, such that I am not even bothering to try. Well, I don't know. Perhaps it is still best that I take a step at a time......

Someone once told me that I would be really good in that something that would be my passion. The problem lies in finding that something......

27th June 2006 Tuesday

'What" will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

27th June 2006 Tuesday

I dreamt that I was dreaming. And you appeared in that dream. I guess even in my dreams, some part of me know that you would never be reality...

26th June 2006 Monday

永远到底有多远？是十年？一百年？一千年？还是一万年？我觉得在未知的未来和有限的生命里讨论永远根本就是无稽之谈。我不知道什么是永远。也不想知道什么叫永远。因为它对我来说是没有意义的。因为我已经开始怀疑这世界上还有什么是有意义的。。。

21st June 2006 Wednesday

Been some time since I last blogged. Main reason being I was serving the remaining of my National Service. But now that I am almost done with it except for the last part of collecting my pink IC, I guess I will be back to blog more frequently. Well, that is if I have anything to blog about in the first place. Anyway, been a busy day for me today and yesterday night. Went to watch Silent Hill with my sister last night. Not too bad a show and that show got me thinking a little. If a kind person was ill treated and those ill treatments eventually morphed him/her into a person filled with grudge and he/she started to turn to the evil side, would the sinner be the person or those that ill treated him/her? Well, I have always believed that every person is inherently good and deep within each and everyone of them, there lies an urge to be that perfectly taintless person everyone yearns to be. However, as it turned out, along life's journey, not many of us if any, turned out to be taintless. Some were betrayed and lost their conscience, some only wanted to protect themselves by turning their back to the world, some turned greedy, others in some way or the other also committed some sins here and there. In this case, should the sinners be blamed? Or should those that influenced or turned them evil be blamed? There is really only a really thin line between what is right and wrong. Well, maybe to begin with, there isn't really anything that is cast in stone to be right or wrong. Some things under certain circumstances, could be good, and in others, bad. As I have always said, right and wrong are perhaps only but relative terms. I guess that show really got me thinking too far......

Anyway, went for some sort of a shopping spree today with ZH. Got some working shirts, a pair of shoes, a pair of bermudas and a belt. Reminds me of what I heard in one of those soap operas on TVs. The difference between girls and guys: Guys shop out of necessity. Girls shop because it is a necessity. I thought that was kind of funny even though I find it overtly stereotyping. That aside, I guess it is really rare for me to buy that much things in a day. Maybe so much so that I am not quite myself today. Is that a good or a bad thing?

I am trying to be who you remember me to be. Because I believes it keeps me living in the past, in the past when you are still who I remember you to be......

15th June 2006 Thursday

If there were to be any song that would describe what I am feeling now, it would be this song. Which is why I love it so much……

也不是真的不要关心
也不是真的不曾介意
可我也不是真的拒绝这一切
只留下自己

也不是全都不理不听
也不是真的无从继续
可每一次我的试着坚强都成了不得已的哭泣

I’m screaming
I’m losing all of it
I’m trying to be mature someday but
'til now it’s still in vain
I’m trying to go on this path
But you said I haven’t get the jests

也不是真的不要关心
也不是真的不曾介意
而你懂不懂我？懂不懂？
其实我心里都珍惜

也不是全都不理不听
也不是硬要颠反事理
可每一次我的试着靠近
都成了你看见的抗议

I’m screaming
I’m losing all of itI’m trying to be perfect someday but
'til now it’s still in vain
I’m bearing
I’m losing all of it
I’m trying to be understood
But you said I haven’t seen it yet
(But you said I haven’t seen the points)

I’ll try it out; I’ll try it out
I’m trying out sometime
I’ll try it out someday

~<<Scream>>---张悬~

14th June 2006 Wednesday

I feel like an idiot......

12th June 2006 Monday

Life is a long process of waiting for a thing after another. We wait to get out of the hospital when we were born. We wait to get of age to attend school. We wait to graduate. We wait to start work. We wait for retirement. We wait for the leisure days of lazing around at home. We wait for death. So is life all about waiting for death? Or maybe there might just be something else after death that is worth waiting for. Or is life not only about waiting for what transcends at the end? Or is life about what we leave on Earth to commemorate our short stay on this Earth? Or is life about something else? Something that no one has yet to apprehend. Something that is far worth it than anyone on Earth knows. Something that is worth our wait.

Time moves on and being limitless as time is, we know that whatever we are waiting for arrives eventually, whether we want it to or not. In a space of eternity, all dreams get fulfilled, every event that we are waiting for arrives, everyone leaves everyone in the end, death transcends at the end of life. If so, is there any point in rushing through the wait? Or perhaps there is simply no meaning in the term - "wait".

Without you, time holds no meaning to me. Everyday is the same to me. Everyday is yet another day. Everyday is a day without you.

11th June 2006 Sunday

Read this off JY's blog and I really liked it. Especially the last part. I guess life is about passing deeds on. You offend another, made a bad day for another, the angered another will offen yet another and pass the deed on. You did something for another and made the day for another, the deed will similarly be passed on. If everyone in this world was kind, concerned and seriously cared for everyone else, won't this world be a better place? But is that really possible? I guess not. Because humans are inherently selfish......

One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry.He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door.

Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water. She thought he looked hungry so brought him a large glass of milk. He drank it so slowly, and then asked, How much do I owe you?”

You don’t owe me anything,” she replied. “Mother has taught us never to accept pay for a kindness.”

He said … “Then I thank you from my heart.”

As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt stronger physically, but his faith in God and man was strong also. He had been ready to give up and quit.

Many year’s later that same young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease.

Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name of the town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes.

Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room.

Dressed in his doctor’s gown he went in to see her. He recognized her at once.

He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life. From that day he gave special attention to her case.

After a long struggle, the battle was won.

Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval. He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent to her room. She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all. Finally she looked, and something caught her attention on the side of the bill. She read these words …

“Paid in full with one glass of milk”

(Signed) Dr. Howard Kelly.

Tears of joy flooded her eyes as her happy heart prayed: “Thank You, God, that Your love has spread broad through human hearts and hands.”

There’s a saying which goes something like this: Bread cast on the waters comes back to you. The good deed you do today may benefit you or someone you love at the least expected time. If you never see the deed again at least you will have made the world a better place - And, after all, isn’t that what life is all about?

9th June 2006 Friday

Some people are just irrational. They don't make the best choices for themselves. They base their decisions on impulse. Have you ever wondered why you would stay on but can't find a reason that would logically make you stay on? Have you ever wondered why you would make a decision even if you knew it would hurt you so much that you might never ever recover from it? Have you ever wondered why you would cry for that someone when you knew that a person who is worth your tears would never make you cry? Have you ever wondered?

I thought I would be thrilled but I was less happy than I thought I would be. I thought I would be sad but I feel more numbed than the overpowering sadness that I thought I would feel. Would there ever be a day when nothing else matters anymore?

7th June 2006 Wednesday

Haven't been blogging for some time. For those of you who still bother about where I am and what I have been busy with, I have been busy with serving the remaining of my National Service term. (Incidentally if you want to know, as I type this post, I am 19 days from my Operationally Ready Date and if you exclude weekends and leave, I have exactly seven more working days as of today.) Recently I also bought the Final Fantasy VIII game so have been busy playing that game too. This is the first time I actually bought a PC game for myself. Although I have already played that game about twice when I borrowed from YM during JC and army days back then, I can't resist but want to buy it for remembrance. I guess besides the fact that I find the game really nice, part of the buying impulse really lies with the storyline of the game. Somehow, I can really ampathize with how Squall felt at the beginning of the game, aloof and remote to everything else in the world, living in a world of his own. I guess when you are left alone in your world for sometime for some reason or another, when you felt unloved, uncared for, as if no one bothered if you existed, when you are ignored, you tend to build a barricade around yourself. You tend to believe that since you have survived being alone, you can be without friends, without comrades, without a family, without love. And I guess you would probably close the door to your world even when someone comes knocking. And I guess that door will probably not open easily if it would open at all. Anyway, enough about the game and enough about my buying impulse. I don't even know why I am even bothering about blogging these down when I don't feel like talking to anyone but you, don't feel like doing anything but sleep, don't feel like eating anything. When I only want to lie down and forget everything and everyone. Leave me alone.

What if there wasn't a door to begin with?